In yoga yesterday, the idea of "what do you want?" came up. Not in a specific sense like "what do you want for lunch?" and not in a broad sense like "I want to be happy," but on a more middle ground like, "what do you want to do, where do you want to go, etc, in this life?"
Can I be totally honest with you? Maybe you don't want to get this far into my brain, in which case, stop now and click over to my other page, Currently Coveting. Lots of great 09 clutches, minus the philosophical blah, blah, blah....
Anyway, for those of you still with me, my answer is, I really don't know. I don't know what I want short of a new pair of teal heels, which by the way, have proven very difficult to find. I feel like I have entered the no-mans-land of adulthood, where I have no idea what I'm doing, if I may be so honest. Around 25, 26 I kind of went through this complete emotional overhaul in that I realized that I am here. I have arrived. I finished school, I married the love of my life, I started a career, and then built that career successfully....and now what? My scheming and planning all through out high school and college only got about this far. I think at this point I imagined I would be so in bliss with the house that is my very own, with fresh flowers weekly, and all the newspapers and magazines I could read (actual fantasies of my adult life when I was in college), that happiness and fulfillment would carry through my adult years. Or maybe I just thought I'd figure out all of that once I got there. Well I'm here.
My mom always told me it was so much easier being a kid. Maybe it was. Of course there are so many awesome things about being an adult. But one thing I miss is really not worrying about where to go next. Not that I want someone else to plan out my weeks, months, years for me, but I wish I had more of a clue. I know this much: I want to go back to the classroom full time next year and start a family with Kris in the very near future. And maybe that's answer enough. But those plans are very green and new. So new that it kind of scares me that just four months ago I was certain I was headed down a VERY different path. It's amazing how one decision, one event, one conversation (not even traumatic ones, mind you) can change the very course of your life, and where you see yourself in it.
Do you wish you had clicked over to Currently Coveting earlier? It's ok, you can still bail.
What do I want (in addition to the teal heels, of course)?
to be a writer?
to stay in elementary education?
to live in Denver?
to move home to Summit County?
to travel all summer?
to keep some sanity and stay home all summer?
to be a foster home for dogs?
to volunteer more?
to bag all that BS and read blogs all day?
I spent the whole yoga class racking my brain. What do I want? And it bothered me that I could not decide on a single thing. Maybe I'm being too broad. Maybe the current daily goals of: get enough sleep, eat well, exercise, meditate, converse with the hubby, appreciate my hubby, TiVo my favorite shows, provide stellar instruction to the kids in front of me, find a job back in the classroom, learn how long a trimester actually is, write, read, make plans with my friends, call my family, walk my overweight beagles, fold the laundry before it wrinkles, why is Fred limping?, go to dance competitions, choreograph, learn from and support my writing group, train for races, start planting my spring garden, start composting, is this Friday recycling day?, update Facebook, what the hell is Twitter anyway?, get my roots done, drink enough water, bring grace into my life and the lives around me, search all of effing Denver for teal heels...
...maybe that is enough? Maybe that is what I want, and I'm doing it. Maybe the days of planning out the details of the next 5-10 years are done. Maybe adulthood is about trusting the process, accepting what is now, and choosing to be happy.
Hmmm. Maybe.
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