Plan B

Ahhh, darn it. I didn't get a single blog posted in October. Well, what can I say? Life has thrown a few curve balls at me lately. It has been wonderful practice for accepting "it is what it is." And not being able to sit and write has been one of those tests.

I have gotten to know my Alter-Ego very well in the last few months. She and I have been at odds quite a lot. She thrives on tight schedules, deadlines, fear, stress, and Plan B in general. You know good ol' Plan B, who comes strolling along and stares you right in the face as he stomps your wonderfully crafted, dearly loved Plan A into the dirt like a cigarette butt? Yep, that Plan B.

I hate Plan B. When I panic and retreat at the sight of him, Alter-Ego literally takes over. She is extremely efficient, tunnel visioned, lacks creativity, focuses on survival, and is somewhat unpleasant. But she gets the job done, I must admit. She takes on Plan B like a champ and usually comes out the victor. Still, she is not satisfied, but rather bitter for being summoned to do my dirty work, and all the while I've been drug behind the Alter-Ego Express Train, and sadly look as much once the ride is over. We're quite a pair. My poor hubby never knows who to expect for dinner.

And it's really all because of Plan B. For some reason, a little fuse in my brain bursts every time Plan B pops up. And since my daily interaction is with 5-year-olds, who give no warning before they puke all over the table, I've had a lot of opportunity to study the sick relationship between myself, Alter-Ego, and Plan B.

At least I've learned about Alter-Ego. At least I know what she looks like. I've learned that much. That's something I suppose. But my challenge now is to handle Plan B on my own, to be able to stare him right in the eye and smile, rather than mourn the loss of my precious Plan A. What is so special about Plan A?! Is it the time that I put into crafting Plan A? No, I don't think so. Is it the fact that every detail was perfectly put together, and this is the best Plan A I've ever had? No, that's not it. Is it that I had beautiful expectations, hopes, and dreams for my sweet Plan A? No, actually... IT'S ALL OF THESE THINGS!!! And now I have to throw something else together, DAMN IT! And now I'm even more behind schedule than before, and...

That's when the downward spiral starts and Alter-Ego has already taken the reins. You can see why she has a nasty attitude.

But here's the moral of the story. If there is one thing I know, it's that you can't blame your problems on others. They are after all, your problems, and problems at all because of how you react to them. So I suppose I can't blame Plan B. He is present more consistently than Plan A. I suppose that makes him more reliable. And to be totally honest, some of the best outcomes are those sprung from Plan B (but don't tell him I said that). Something I've learned the hard way is that life is full of Plan B. I should get to know him, maybe have him over for dinner, meet his family, because I might dislike Alter-Ego even more than Plan B. She is a crazy bitch.

Yes, Plan B and I must agree to disagree. I have to be able to smile and breath when I see him round the corner. That way I can let my elusive little Plan A escape out the back door before Plan B has the chance to crush him. Maybe I'll see Plan A through fruition some day, until then, I have to learn to enjoy my life with Plan B. After all, at least he's not Plan C.

Crazy Americans

I just turned my computer on for the first time in over 3 weeks. Pretty amazing, eh? I've been resisting the urge to, because I knew that once I did I wouldn't resurface for several hours. My list of things to do on my computer is two pages long. But, as I said, I've been resisting. After nearly passing out with a panic attack at the Dallas airport the day I left the meditation course, I decided easing myself back into my life was the way to go. The lines, people, screaming babies, plastic baggies with liquids of no more than three ounces, shoes off through security-they must go on the belt, not in the tubs!- ID in hand, loud foreign accents, Wolf Blitzer blabbing on about Obama's health care plan piped in over the whole freaking place for your listening pleasure, proved to be a little much for me after 10 days of peace and silence.

At lunch in Dallas a couple of days before my course, my Aunt Tina made the comment, "you can't live in America and not be busy." Only someone who spends 3 months of the year in India could have that perspective, I suppose. Of course we all know we're "busy." There are different grades of busy, of course, ranging from the low-end-of-normal to the average to the awe-inspiring-uber-organized-phenom busy. We are actually impressed with people who accomplish more in one day than most people do in 3. And if you know anyone who often has "free time" it's almost as if they need to justify it to not appear, dare I say...lazy.

On my 4th day at the course I was walking the grounds of the center as the brand new sun rose overhead. Being in a rural area outside of Dallas, I was able to stop and admire some cows that were grazing on the other side of the barbed wire. Such lucky cows, I thought, as not many cows born today get to roam freely, eating grass, their natural-sized utters used only to raise their own babies. Kind of like the odds and good fortune of children born in America, I though to myself.

I walked further and knelt down to admire a leopard spotted frog. What a wonderful day, I thought as I tiptoed past him. I was feeling so good I wondered to myself, I think I would have enjoyed living in the country, with a slower pace, more nature... And then my aunt's comment, "you can't live in America and not be busy," resurfaced. It suddenly really made sense. Yeah, nature is all well and good, but standing around to admire it isn't the American way. We are a culture of faster, stronger, louder, better, richer. While Europeans take weeks off "on holiday" in the summer, everyone I talk to can't imagine giving up 10 vacation days to go sit and meditate. The English have afternoon teas, and many Latin cultures siesta midday. But while they were relaxing, Americans just made another $50.

As a person who clearly is drawn to a more meditative lifestyle, I'm still an efficient American through and through. We, like those cows, were fortunate enough to land where we did. We have the choice and opportunity to make of our life what we want. And most of us pack in as much as we can fit. Fully aware of the madness that lay ahead, as school starts next week, I've made the choice to ease back in. But, I turned on my computer this afternoon and Skyped into Lilly's first birthday party. And bottom line is, I love it. The madness, the tight schedule, accomplishing 3 days worth of things in one- after all, I'm going back to the classroom because I've been pulling my hair out in boredom the last few years.

I more than enjoyed- I needed- my 10+ days of zen. And I will try to maintain traces of it by meditating each morning.

But I'm back. Bring on the crazy!