I did it!

This is a seriously proud day for me!

I successfully went to the grocery store with my 13 day old baby!!!

That may not sound like much, but trust me, it was a HUGE accomplishment. In order to complete this task I had to feed my baby, and get him dressed and happy so that I could get dressed in something of the non-pajama-variety. (This in itself is big.) Next, I got him out of the house and figured out the car seat. Then we strolled around the store for almost an hour without any crying or screaming (from either of us!). And then I got myself, Dominic, and the groceries home and unloaded. All by myself!!!!

This is a seriously proud day for me.

Save Me From Myself

Having a baby may be the best thing I've ever done. And I haven't even had him yet. We are in waiting mode at the moment. I'm due in 10 days, but I'm willing him to come early. So any moment now...


The waiting game has proved to be everything I expected it not to be. It's oddly relaxing. Potentially it's a hair-pulling wait, but I have let go of the platinum fist-fulls in order to allow my body to open up. Literally. So each day I am waking up with really no plans, no schedule, no expectation. The day is blocked out to have a baby. What am I doing tomorrow? Having a baby. What is my schedule for next week? Having a baby. What are my plans for this summer? Um, yes- I'm having a baby. I've never had such a stress-free schedule in my life. Now, it seems that this could be one of the most anticipation-filled, stress-riddled summers ever. But, I'm telling you, it's not. I have finally achieved the balance and genuine day-to-day living that I've been searching for in my years of practicing meditation, yoga and all-other-things-zen-enhancing. Who knew reproducing would have landed me here?! I should have done this years ago!


And here's my biggest secret: I kind of expected it to come to this.


Since I was in my teens, the idea of being a parent truly scared the shit out of me. It's the one thing I've ever doubted I could do well. It always surprised me how sure most people were- they couldn't wait!- they would one day be parents. It seemed as though they were hardwired to reproduce. I remember a conversation in 7th grade with one of my oldest and greatest friends, Michael Bunchman. For whatever reason 12 year olds would be talking about being parents, I found myself in this conversation, and I was honest when I told him I never wanted to have kids. "Never?!" he said shocked. And then his tone changed to someone much older than his 12 years when he said, "No, you will one day. You'll change your mind."

I think that conversation has stuck with me for so many years because a) at the time I was highly annoyed at his response, and b) it was an eerie piece of foreshadowing stuck into my walking-to-the-bus-after-school-average-day. And ten years later, I found myself overdoing and overscheduling to try to fill some void that I wasn't even aware existed. Ignorantly, I plowed forward in seven different directions apparently trying everything that could possibly inspire me in some way, all while still ignoring the path labeled "Parenthood," because I'd decided many years ago that path was closed to me. I learned the great art of Vipassana meditation, got my masters, completed triathlons and half marathons, learned Spanish and knitting and how to snowboard...and was still searching. What should I do next?


And having said all of that, though it took me still eight more years, I woke up one day and decided I really wanted to have a family. (Ugh! How cliche! What happened to me?!) Nothing- no project, no career move, no degree- sounded as exciting as starting a family with Kris. And all along, there has been a little piece of that eerie foreshadowing whispering in my ear that this is what I was meant to do. This would be my greatest accomplishment, the job that gave me the most pride. You were right, Michael.


Ugh! How cliche! Seriously, what happened to me?!

Here comes the sun

It is summer- finally- and I am settling back into relaxation, into calm, into myself. The space that has come with the sun is so liberating. So much so that I have to fight back an urge to multitask, or reprimand myself for enjoying not multitasking. I absolutely love moving at my own pace, not living by a clock. It will all get done. That is the biggest lesson I am taking from the long, dark winter that has just passed. It will all get done.


I have to say that the end of the school year was very enjoyable. The intensity of my school ran strong to the very end, only it took on another shade- one of generosity, appreciation, and kindness. There was no shortage of cards, gifts, and genuine thanks in the final weeks. I was overwhelmed more than once by my classroom community and their good will toward me and the baby. I received more thanks and gifts this year than all of my other 7 years combined. Even so, I'm not sure I didn't prefer my old environment where half of the parents forgot my name most of the time. Gifts aren't necessarily worth the constant doubt and anxiety.


Ah, but the sun has finally arrived. The sky has found it's perfect hue of blue. Neglected pieces of my life are sprouting and blooming like the irises in my front garden. I have missed the sun more than I realized. And perhaps I appreciate it more than ever as well.

Kibbles 'N Bits

There are many new and interesting experiences that come with being pregnant. Of course you have a live miniature human growing in your abdomen which is very cool and very odd at the same time. But I'm not talking about the new physiological experiences. It's the social changes that are surprising. You don't read about these in the baby books. They are just small exchanges that happen very casually, yet leave a big impression. On me at least.

First, people are so nice and courteous to pregnant women. Everyone steps out of the way and let's you pass first, no matter where you are, or how much space is available. A sweet smile glows back at you as you pass. Suddenly you should not be allowed to carry anything, pick up anything, reach for anything, or really move quickly whatsoever. It's a very wonderful, but at the same time sad reflection on our society that only in this time of my 30 years have I been treated so nicely.

While strangers in the public suddenly see me as someone to be taken care of, I still see myself as me, doing what I usually do. Until one day I didn't. In this case I'm not talking about lifting paint cans. I'm talking about myself as a social person in my usual social situations, and it suddenly-rather abruptly- feeling very different.

Last month, my hubby and I took a final trip together to visit some good friends in Chicago. It was a fabulous trip. The weather was cooperative so we were able to walk the city much of the time taking in the scenery and culture alike. We went to amazing restaurants, stayed in a swanky hotel, and enjoyed wonderful conversation and laughter with our friends. One night after dinner, they wanted to take us to a new, cool lounge that had fireplaces, modern decor and floor to ceiling windows that showcased the view of the 28th floor. Sweet, let's go!

We get there, and the place is as amazing as the promised, only tonight, it looks like a scene out of Studio 54. Ok, not really, but it was packed and bumpin. There was no lounging. There was dancing, picture taking, drinks and apps all around. Sounds fabulous, right?! Six months ago, this would have been my new favorite spot. I would have been first in line at the bar getting everyone a drink and out dancing to Crystal Water's 100% Pure Love.

And here's where the aforementioned "abrupt" change in me happened.

I was a little horrified.

My brain was not immediately excited by the sights and sounds of this perfect little spot. Rather, all I could think of was the 2nd club scene in Knocked Up when a very pregnant Katherine Heigl is trying to get into a club with her...um, older sister. The bouncer refuses to let them in saying, "Can't have no old, pregnant bitches runnin around. She should be home. That's just bad parenting."

OMG. Who do I think I am out a glam club? I took my coat off only when it became unavoidable, then held it in front of my Joey pouch the rest of the time we were there. I was trying to process what just happened, and mourning a little piece of my life that would never be the same. Of course I'll go out again, and I'd love to find that place in particular next time around, but life as I've known it in my adult years, is officially different. And that, I was not ready for. No, you don't read about that in the baby books.

I'm seven months pregnant now and still have not settled on a name for our little boy. We have a few good contenders, but nothing is really sticking. The second question everyone asks after, "How are you feeling?" is "Do you have a name picked out yet?" I have met several moms-to-be who play the "yes, but we're not telling," card, which as a former asker, I was always a little turned off by this, like I was intruding by asking. Personally, I tell everyone who asks our ideas, because I want true reactions. I don't want to pick out a name, think it's perfect, present our baby and hear "oh, how cute!" only to have people go home and say, "what were they thinking?!" Call me shallow, but public opinion matters, even to the "we're keeping it a secret" moms. Otherwise they'd be happy to tell you.

And so, I've had lots of conversations about names. With everyone in my life. And I've been shocked at how much people really do like thinking about names. In a effort to be polite, I try to let the topic die away after an exchange or two, but most people keep the conversation going. So I've gathered up lots of suggestions in the last few months, and I leave you with the BEST one-the Kibbles 'N Bits story, I like to call it.

One afternoon before a staff meeting a colleague of mine gave the "how are your feeling? have you picked out a name?" spiel. I gave my usual replies and she told me her sister had just had a little boy and she just loved the name. With a very well intended smile she said,

"You should name him Dixon!"

Uh-huh, yeah that's cute. I'll keep that in mind, I told her. I sat there thinking:

A. Why would you pick any name so close to Dick for a poor child?
B. You know my last name, right?! Why would you pick any name so close to Dick for a poor child, and then pair it with Cox?????!!!!!

And then the C. part of this didn't come until I retold the story and actually said the name out loud for the first time.

Dixon Cox.

Go ahead, say it out loud, more than once if you like.

It's the name that keeps on giving.

Are You Alive? Yep

Today I got an email that said "Are you still doing your blog?"

The answer is yes. Though I suppose technically that's not true. But I'm writing in my head all the time. It's just, there's not much in this head these days I think anyone else might be interested in hearing. My classroom? I think everyone is tired of that topic. Baby stuff? A very slim audience is interested in this conversation. Other thoughts? Well, I'm living through one of the biggest growth periods of my life. And while growth is many things, it is most definitely painful. Again, not what others might want to hear about.

But growth also yields an amazingly new bright and shiny skin. And nothing feels as wonderful as that new skin. It truly makes the struggle of shedding the old skin feel very worth while. I feel like I've nearly wriggled out of that old skin, enough so that I can already see some of the bright spots. Some very cool things I can share are that I have come to appreciate certain things in my life that I used to take for granted. Big things like how fortunate I am, and small things like manicures. I'm carrying around a new little life, a little joey, that is a beautiful combination of my husband and me. It's amazing to know I have a little piece of Kris with me everywhere I go. I can not wait to meet our baby. It has started moving around and kicking in the last few weeks, which is the weirdest and most natural thing all at once. We are going for my 20 week ultrasound tomorrow and will find out if we're having a boy or a girl. I haven't been so excited for something in years.

I have learned so many things in these last few months. My skills as a teacher have multiplied. I have been working in one of the most amazing schools. Though it's WAY effing harder than I wanted it to be, I am still truly proud to be part of my staff. I now know about the sensory development of my baby and all the things I need to eat in order to make that most successful. I've got the stretchmark-prevention oil, prenatal yoga classes, and I'm even getting the hang of making maternity clothes actually look good. My priorities have become very, very clear and this year has given me new perspective.

So, what exactly is my problem then? Why am I not beaming with happiness every single day? Well, because I'm still struggling with accepting my old foe: unexpected change. I wanted different things from this year. My job was not supposed to be so challenging. I was supposed to still have energy and creativity to write. I would have lots of extra time to bask in the beauty of my pregnancy. And those things did not happen. I know I write a lot about accepting things as they are, not as I would like them to be, so you'd think I would take my own advice. Still trying. I guess I just didn't plan on this year being so full of growth. For a planner, nothing is more irritating than unexpected personal growth derailing a year otherwise slotted for a lucrative career change and beginning a family.

So, I'm not going to lie, I've been a little bitter and frustrated about my messed up plan. That can be seen in my last post, that I wrote weeks ago, and posted, but yanked a few hours later when I got some worried reactions. Hide the sharp objects from Christie. But I'm going to go ahead and repost it now. It is honest and raw, things that I think writing should be. And not every post can be dripping with honey and sunshine. One of my friends said, we're not always on the top of the mountain. It's in the valleys that we learn the most.

And learning I am. It's been a major focus to spend my energy on things that make me happy, like walking my beagles on beautiful days, the rewarding moments that hide between the chaotic ones of my classroom, sleeping in, waking up to the love of my life, and reading all about cloth diapers and homemade baby food. There's more sunshine each day and the good news is that the second half of the year has been amazingly different. I feel like a different person. I'm still alive, and have almost wriggled out of that old skin. Closer and closer each day.

New Year's resolution: Get over it

Dear Bloggity,

I miss you. I'm not just saying that. I really do. Where has the time gone????? Where has my brain gone, should be the question. It's crazy. You think you have it all figured out. You're such a balanced, secure person. You have finally gotten all of your shit worked out and in order. No problem. Well, that flew out the window faster than you can say namaste. I forgot a friend's birthday... half of my Xmas presents were late... all I do is talk about and apologize for what a wreck I am all the time, and that this really isn't me. Gag! I find myself annyoing! And that part has been just as hard as the stress of my life itself. The fact that I fell apart, not immediately, but close. And then didn't manage to pull myself back together until Christmas break (and this is fragile ground we're walking on). I guess the fact that I got pregnant right in the middle of the walls crumbling didn't help. Oh bloggity! I haven't even had the chance to tell you I'm pregnant. With child. Expecting. Oh, my.

Of course, I have been wanting to start a family for years now. But I swear to you, a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant (I was probably pregnant at the time), I called my poor saintly hubby from work sobbing, "I think we should hold off a year on our plans to get pregnant. I don't think I can do this!" Of course, he talked me off of the cliff as he usually does. I still cried when I found out I was pregnant because I was scared. I have not been in shambles like this in years. Like I said, I thought all of that BS was behind me. And I really didn't want my pregnancy, the time I'd so looked forward to, to be eclipsed by my current state. Which I can blame on my two classes of five-year-olds, their relentlessly annoying parents, the ridiculous amount of paperwork that follows 44 freaking kids, and the never ending meeting schedule, all of which totally gets in the way of me doing my actual job, which is teaching these poor babies to read and write. Yes, I could blame that, and often do for my constant state of anxiety and panic. But let's face it. I'm not freaking President Obama. I'm not an EMT whose job is literally life and death. I am a kindergarten teacher. An acquaintance recently said to me, it's just kindergarten. And I just laughed. That's true; chill out, Christie!!! I only have myself to blame for my unbalanced crazy self of the last few months. And really, I'm boiling my poor baby in negative energy, and of all the things I beat myself up about, that wins.

So. Bloggity. It's a new year. New opportunity to start fresh. Time to leave all this anxiety-ridden worry behind. It's just kindergarten. Five months left. I can do this. Without being an annoying psycho about it. The only thing we have control of in this life is how we react to the things around us. Clearly I have not practiced that well lately. But it's my New Year's Resolution to do so. Because, I do have control over the level of harmony my baby swims in right now. Once the poor thing is out in this big world, I will not have that luxury. At that point it will be my job to teach my child to find the good, the beauty and inspiration in every day. And in the meantime, I have to do that myself.

It's always all about me. So sorry, Bloggity. How have you been?

Plan B

Ahhh, darn it. I didn't get a single blog posted in October. Well, what can I say? Life has thrown a few curve balls at me lately. It has been wonderful practice for accepting "it is what it is." And not being able to sit and write has been one of those tests.

I have gotten to know my Alter-Ego very well in the last few months. She and I have been at odds quite a lot. She thrives on tight schedules, deadlines, fear, stress, and Plan B in general. You know good ol' Plan B, who comes strolling along and stares you right in the face as he stomps your wonderfully crafted, dearly loved Plan A into the dirt like a cigarette butt? Yep, that Plan B.

I hate Plan B. When I panic and retreat at the sight of him, Alter-Ego literally takes over. She is extremely efficient, tunnel visioned, lacks creativity, focuses on survival, and is somewhat unpleasant. But she gets the job done, I must admit. She takes on Plan B like a champ and usually comes out the victor. Still, she is not satisfied, but rather bitter for being summoned to do my dirty work, and all the while I've been drug behind the Alter-Ego Express Train, and sadly look as much once the ride is over. We're quite a pair. My poor hubby never knows who to expect for dinner.

And it's really all because of Plan B. For some reason, a little fuse in my brain bursts every time Plan B pops up. And since my daily interaction is with 5-year-olds, who give no warning before they puke all over the table, I've had a lot of opportunity to study the sick relationship between myself, Alter-Ego, and Plan B.

At least I've learned about Alter-Ego. At least I know what she looks like. I've learned that much. That's something I suppose. But my challenge now is to handle Plan B on my own, to be able to stare him right in the eye and smile, rather than mourn the loss of my precious Plan A. What is so special about Plan A?! Is it the time that I put into crafting Plan A? No, I don't think so. Is it the fact that every detail was perfectly put together, and this is the best Plan A I've ever had? No, that's not it. Is it that I had beautiful expectations, hopes, and dreams for my sweet Plan A? No, actually... IT'S ALL OF THESE THINGS!!! And now I have to throw something else together, DAMN IT! And now I'm even more behind schedule than before, and...

That's when the downward spiral starts and Alter-Ego has already taken the reins. You can see why she has a nasty attitude.

But here's the moral of the story. If there is one thing I know, it's that you can't blame your problems on others. They are after all, your problems, and problems at all because of how you react to them. So I suppose I can't blame Plan B. He is present more consistently than Plan A. I suppose that makes him more reliable. And to be totally honest, some of the best outcomes are those sprung from Plan B (but don't tell him I said that). Something I've learned the hard way is that life is full of Plan B. I should get to know him, maybe have him over for dinner, meet his family, because I might dislike Alter-Ego even more than Plan B. She is a crazy bitch.

Yes, Plan B and I must agree to disagree. I have to be able to smile and breath when I see him round the corner. That way I can let my elusive little Plan A escape out the back door before Plan B has the chance to crush him. Maybe I'll see Plan A through fruition some day, until then, I have to learn to enjoy my life with Plan B. After all, at least he's not Plan C.

My brain all a-Twitter

No, I have not started a Twitter account. I've never really figured out the appeal to Twitter to be totally honest. But maybe that's because I'm a little more verbose than can fit in a 140 character post. That is, until very recently. With such a small space reserved for non-school thoughts, I've been able to conjure up lots of ideas, headlines really, but not much substance behind them. Perfect Tweet material. So here are a few Tweet-ish ideas from the last few weeks. But don't hold me to the 140 characters. Like I said, I am not a Tweeter. Just tired and lacking creativity.

I saw my first fall leave today. Yea! I love fall!!!

Soy cheese pizza and SYTYCD. I can't think of anything better on a Wednesday night. I'm becoming a seriously cheap date.

Thank god Kim Kardashian dyed her hair back dark. What was she thinking...?

OMG!!! Full-frontal nudity in my classroom!!! This is not happening...!

Kanye has the self control of one of my kindergartners. Possibly less.


Sushi Den has the best veggie roll in Denver!!! Next time I think I need two.

I just logged onto Facebook for the first time since July...wow...or sad...

I think it's ridiculous I have to send home permission slips for my kindergartners to view a speech by our President about education. Jesus!


My poor baby beag is feeling neglected. Iris has reverted back to her back-to-school behavior of peeing on the floor, and showing off her Barky Von Schnauzer behavior. I thought she grew out of that, but realized that I just went half time. Poor, baby! I'm sorry!

Oh, snap! Look who finally joined Facebook! Dan Cantrell aka Daddy-O!

I'm actually starting to feel more like myself again. Either Mercury is exiting retrograde, or it's been about 6 weeks since school started and I'm finally settling in like all the Kindergarten teachers said I would. Either way, the universe is feeling comfortable again.

Thanks to my girls for DRAGging me out this weekend. It was nice to unwind and have fun with you!!!

Crazy Americans

I just turned my computer on for the first time in over 3 weeks. Pretty amazing, eh? I've been resisting the urge to, because I knew that once I did I wouldn't resurface for several hours. My list of things to do on my computer is two pages long. But, as I said, I've been resisting. After nearly passing out with a panic attack at the Dallas airport the day I left the meditation course, I decided easing myself back into my life was the way to go. The lines, people, screaming babies, plastic baggies with liquids of no more than three ounces, shoes off through security-they must go on the belt, not in the tubs!- ID in hand, loud foreign accents, Wolf Blitzer blabbing on about Obama's health care plan piped in over the whole freaking place for your listening pleasure, proved to be a little much for me after 10 days of peace and silence.

At lunch in Dallas a couple of days before my course, my Aunt Tina made the comment, "you can't live in America and not be busy." Only someone who spends 3 months of the year in India could have that perspective, I suppose. Of course we all know we're "busy." There are different grades of busy, of course, ranging from the low-end-of-normal to the average to the awe-inspiring-uber-organized-phenom busy. We are actually impressed with people who accomplish more in one day than most people do in 3. And if you know anyone who often has "free time" it's almost as if they need to justify it to not appear, dare I say...lazy.

On my 4th day at the course I was walking the grounds of the center as the brand new sun rose overhead. Being in a rural area outside of Dallas, I was able to stop and admire some cows that were grazing on the other side of the barbed wire. Such lucky cows, I thought, as not many cows born today get to roam freely, eating grass, their natural-sized utters used only to raise their own babies. Kind of like the odds and good fortune of children born in America, I though to myself.

I walked further and knelt down to admire a leopard spotted frog. What a wonderful day, I thought as I tiptoed past him. I was feeling so good I wondered to myself, I think I would have enjoyed living in the country, with a slower pace, more nature... And then my aunt's comment, "you can't live in America and not be busy," resurfaced. It suddenly really made sense. Yeah, nature is all well and good, but standing around to admire it isn't the American way. We are a culture of faster, stronger, louder, better, richer. While Europeans take weeks off "on holiday" in the summer, everyone I talk to can't imagine giving up 10 vacation days to go sit and meditate. The English have afternoon teas, and many Latin cultures siesta midday. But while they were relaxing, Americans just made another $50.

As a person who clearly is drawn to a more meditative lifestyle, I'm still an efficient American through and through. We, like those cows, were fortunate enough to land where we did. We have the choice and opportunity to make of our life what we want. And most of us pack in as much as we can fit. Fully aware of the madness that lay ahead, as school starts next week, I've made the choice to ease back in. But, I turned on my computer this afternoon and Skyped into Lilly's first birthday party. And bottom line is, I love it. The madness, the tight schedule, accomplishing 3 days worth of things in one- after all, I'm going back to the classroom because I've been pulling my hair out in boredom the last few years.

I more than enjoyed- I needed- my 10+ days of zen. And I will try to maintain traces of it by meditating each morning.

But I'm back. Bring on the crazy!

Hi, sorry I've missed you. I've stepped off the planet for a little bit, but if you'd like to leave a message...

It's that time again. I'm headed to another 10 day meditation course, or "silent camp" as my friends call it. It's a chance for me to reboot myself and start anew when I get back in August. I will get back just in time to head back to school, where I will begin my new job teaching Kindergarten (remember my amazing new job and classroom?!), which in itself is a rebooting of my career. I feel like many things are turning over in these last 6 months of my 20's and it's very exciting. I watched my husband play all weekend with my baby niece Lilly, and can't help but look forward to starting my own family soon. So, I feel like this meditation course is the start of many new beginnings. And I'm pretty psyched about it.

One of the benefits of practicing meditation is learning to live in this moment, to observe all the good (and bad) that is now. And so before I get too wrapped up in the things to come, I have to remind myself to appreciate my life as it is today. Writer Terri Trespicio, contributor to this month's body + soul magazine had this to say about this July day:

"There's something slippery about summer. And that's the beauty of it: a season so moody and brilliant, so frivolously sensual and bold that it eludes your every effort to contain it. Instead, it wraps you in abundance, in swaths of sunlight and long, lazy hours- none of which is really ever yours to keep. Therein lies the lesson: While fall inspires nostalgia and winter a longing for warmth, summer has an endless amount to give, if only we can stand still and receive it. This season, resist the urge to control every last vestige of time. Instead, practice letting life spin around you in bright, concentric circles, filling your attention with light."

And so, I wish for you the ability to stand still and receive all that summer (and any other day for that matter) has to offer. Get out of your own way, for even just a few minutes, and observe all the unnoticed amazing moments that slip in and out of your everyday. I will be trying as much when I step off the planet for a bit of perspective and restoration.

See you in a couple of weeks!

"My apologies" if you work for an airline

To pick up my whining where I left off in the last post...can I talk for a minute about the airlines?

The worst part is, this conversation is a vicious circle:

1) Airline customer service, business plan, operations, baggage handling, scheduling, rescheduling, etc., is shamelessly pathetic. In fact, it borders on irresponsible. The day when the industry is finally regulated by the government and travelers have rights can't come soon enough. I hate flying, and I'm not giving the airlines my money anymore.

2) But I have a cousin's wedding in Florida. Every one's going. I can't be the only jerk who doesn't show because I don't feel like dealing with the Russian Roulette we call traveling these days.

3) I'm sitting in an airplane in Panama City, FL, which has an airport so small there is no direct flight from Denver. We have a connection in Atlanta. Any experienced flier knows that connections are usually the place where the problems occur. Sure enough, Atlanta is experiencing heavy storms. We are grounded- in the airplane of course- for the next 40 minutes. Finally in the air, and now, still due to the storms, we have to circle the airport for another 40 minutes. We only have enough fuel for that long, so we may be diverted to Columbus. Miraculously we land in Atlanta, 30 minutes after our connection left. How, pray tell, did our connection leave- ON TIME!- when we have been circling the airport?!

We are scheduled for a 6:20 flight the next morning, with no hotel offered. So we get on the standby list for 9:55 later that night, which is of course delayed...and delayed more...and delayed more...and at this point the crew of the flight has been working too long- at least they have some rights- and so they are calling in a new crew...so yes, the flight is delayed more, scheduled for 2:30 am. Also it is, for whatever reason, about 43 degrees in the airport where we sit for more than six hours. Delta has left one poor soul to keep delivering bad news and no blankets, but only "our apologies." How about some kind of compensation for this ridiculous inconvenience?! No they can't control the weather, but rain is pretty common. You mean to tell me, this is your only plan?! And why are your idiot customers- myself included- still keeping you in business?!?!

Why because they've got us by the short hairs, don't they. All the airlines run a miserable business so there is really no need to improve to keep up with competition. And we're not going to stop traveling. The airlines themselves are all near or in bankruptcy, their staff is overworked and abused, and the customers pay a lot of money and may or may not receive a quality service. We are in a mutual love/hate relationship at the moment.

We arrive at the Denver baggage claim about 5:15 the next morning. I am too tired and worn down to care that my bag even arrived- always a pleasant surprise- much less that it is completely soaking wet, apparently left in the torrential downpour in Atlanta for 6 hours. Perfect.

4) After this top-5-worst-travel-experience-ever, I swear I am never giving Delta, or any other airline my money! I am done with traveling!

5) But next weekend I'm flying to Dallas, and then Lilly's 1st birthday is in August, and my grandfather's service is in October, and then Thanksgiving, and then...

Loss

The world lost a great man yesterday

He was warm, generous, genuine, and admirable

He had an open heart that radiated warmth to anyone near

He lived through the dust bowl, war, loss and disease, and yet

He always found the beauty and good in his life

He was a man of deep faith and few words

He wore a button down shirt and slacks every day, except when he gardened, upon which he wore jeans

He worked well into his eighties and was forever a student of new things

He and his dog Lady were hospice workers, who brought joy and compassion to those who needed it most

He ate out every meal, frequenting the same places who eventually named sandwiches after him, and

He always cut the crusts off ours

He was an artist

He was the officiant of my wedding

He was the best person I’ve ever known

He was James Benjamin Wright, my grandfather

And he will be greatly missed

A bit more on Feathers

I have recieved an unexpected amount of feedback on the recent post about friendship. Honestly, I almost didn't write about it at all. I wondered if anyone else could relate or understand my thoughts. Also, I did not know if it was appropriate, as I want to remain respectful of the relationship that once was. But when something consumes my thoughts for as long as this did, I can't help but write about it.

Surprisingly, people from all different corners of my life have left comments, emailed, or even caught me in Starbucks to discuss the questions I posed in the post. And I found that I'm not alone in these struggles. Almost everyone told me, "I was in a situation like that once..."

One piece of advice that left an impression on me came from a friend from high school via Facebook. I thought it was worthy of sharing with you:

"I've got another saying for you: friends come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some seasons are long (like 'the years I was defining myself in this world') but they are nonetheless temporary. All I would say is to say 'goodbye,' but leave yourself open to crossing paths some time in the distant future when every one's feathers have changed again. Don't feel guilty, just give that time and energy to someone or something else more deserving and healthier for you."

Thanks to all for your thoughts, feelings, and words of advice.

Birds of a feather...

...flock together.

But what happens when one of the birds changes color? Maybe it doesn't happen over night, but rather over time, and one day you look over to see your fellow flock mate a startling orange when they used to be a more subdued teal, such as yourself. They are quite a different bird, now at odds with the flock. But do your past journeys bind you together regardless?

I consider myself a good friend. No, I am not perfect (a fact that is absurdly difficult for me to accept), but my intentions are well founded. I believe that friends should be the bright spots in one's life, and I try to be that for mine. I read recently that friends are the family you get to choose. But I've also heard some theories that friendship has a shelf life. People drift in and out of your life, bringing with them lessons and value while they are there.

So, get to the point, Christie. What is my issue? I have recently experienced a break-up with a friend, a flock mate, and while I feel confident in my decisions, guilt remains.

My biggest question is this: Is it ever ok to give up on a friend? If friends are the family you get to choose, then no. But I'm not sure I buy that. I am a strong believer in another cliche: blood is thicker than water. I will fight to maintain any and all of my relationships with family. If all else fails, agree to disagree. And see, I don't feel like that's acceptable with friendship. If you're merely agreeing to disagree, where is the goodness and brightness that was once brought into your life by this person? When friendship becomes more effort than it's worth, do you stay? When difference dissolves love, what do you do? Should friendships be work? At some point do you enter into an unspoken agreement that you are tied for life, now responsible for friending this person, no matter what? The divorce rate says that isn't the case with a mate. Should it be with a friend?

Maybe my feathers are the ones that changed hues overtime. I am willing to accept that. This in mind, I tried to change my perspective, see the value in the relationship in its evolved state. But, I take responsibility for my own happiness, and I expect that others do the same. When a friend begins to depend on me for happiness, to do or say the right things, that's no longer friendship. That is dependence. Don't misunderstand support with dependence. Support is helping a friend through a difficult, short-lived period in their life. Dependence is an ongoing draining of energy, with little to nothing in return.

So, does that make me a good friend, or a fair-weather friend? I guess that depends on your definition of friendship. I am trying to let the guilt slide off of my teal feathers, because that is who I am. I do care about others. And I really did try. But at some point, it is ok to let go...right?

May 2009

Wholly schmolly, I haven't posted a blog in FOREVER! You have to understand that I meant to, but this has been one of the craziest months of my life- in a good way!

So let me try to catch you up. Days following my last post I floated along, distracted with elation, but did an occasional "Woo hoo!" when the idea of scoring my Kindergarten job came crashing over me again. Ahhh... that ate up a few days.

Over Memorial day, my girlfriends and I went to Scottsdale, AZ to celebrate our 30th birthdays that have begun to transpire this year. We sat by the pool, shopped, went to the spa, dressed up and went to dinner, went to a club... There were four of us to the room, and access to an executive sweet with free wine and beer. Thus, getting ready to go out each night was quite a tipsy production. Needless to say, I only lost a comb while I was there. Upon hearing this, my hubby asked, "You use a comb?!" Yes, I use a comb. I don't have much hair, alright!?

On Memorial Day itself I ran the Bolder Boulder with my mom. Either she's gotten faster or I was still hungover from the weekend in AZ...

Then, last Wednesday my friend Allison and I went to the No Doubt concert here in Denver.

I hate to say it, but- OMG!!!! Sorry, but that's the best way to describe it. First of all, you must know that I bought the most rockstar tickets I will ever have the rest of my life. I did this by- brace yourself- joining the No Doubt Tour Club. Yep, I did it. But aside from the cool, dorky benefits I will choose to leave out, I got to buy tickets to the concert before they went on sale to the public. The result was 20 feet away from the band- not the stage- the band aka GWEN!!!

I have to take a deep breath here, because I'm starting to get excited all over again. Those who have known me for a while know that I have had an unhealthy obsession with Gwen Stefani and No Doubt since I was about 15. So, the fact that she was SOOOOO CLOSE to me the entire show was... well, let's just say I'll remember it the rest of my life. I now know that she has freckles on her arms, gets runs in her tights like the rest of us, is as beautiful up close as she is in the media, and she can still effing rock!

It. Was. Awesome.

Ok, I'm finished dorking out. I promise.

Anyway, since then I've moved out of my old school and met with my new Kindergarten team. My new classroom is beautiful and overwhelming all at once. Also, Sunday the hubby and I went up to Lake Dillon, where my parents rented a boat and we hung out for the afternoon. It started raining the minute we got off the lake.

I am finally doing laundry (maybe in a month? Oh, let's hope not...) and putting my suitcases away from my trip. It's day two of summer vacation, and I am happy.

You've got to admit, that's a good month!

The Roller Coaster

You haven't heard too much from me lately because I've been on the Roller coaster of trying to find a new job. Remember when I told you I was looking to go back to the classroom full time? Well, I haven't applied for a new job in seven years. It's been more consuming than I remember.

Apply
Wait
Network
Apply some more
Rumors of an interview
Hope
No call
No call
No call
Sigh, oh well
An interview- Yes!!!
Wait, an interview?! Crap, what am I going to say?!
Prep, worry, breath, prep
Interview... question #1- no prob!, question #2, 3, 4- still hanging in there, question #5- Oh no, I hate this question...and now I'm wandering aimlessly- get back on track!!!...ok, survived that one, but used most of my energy reserves, question #6- "What else should we know about you and do you have any questions for us?"...no! I just want to get out of here! Ask something intelligent to make up for your Paula Abdul impression during question #5...ok, finished! Wait, you want to come observe me...next week?! Of course, absolutely, remain calm and charming...
Drive home and analyze everything I said and didn't say
Continue this through the evening, determine that I made quite a fool of myself
Analyze, worry, cry...my poor hubby
Whatever, moving on... it is what it is
Observation
You interviewed 10 and observed 5, (wow, guess the interview didn't go as badly as I thought!) and you'll have a decision by Friday at the latest?!
Walking on clouds
Another interview at another school- great!- but hopefully I have an answer from other school first...?
We still haven't made a decision and will have an answer for you by Monday...

This is all I've been doing, people. And it's sucking my creativity straight out of my ears, so sorry, this is all you get until Summer Break. Only 9 more days of school left...

P.S. I'll keep you posted on the Roller coaster.
P.P.S. Also, accept my apologies if all of the above makes no sense at all.