Are You Alive? Yep

Today I got an email that said "Are you still doing your blog?"

The answer is yes. Though I suppose technically that's not true. But I'm writing in my head all the time. It's just, there's not much in this head these days I think anyone else might be interested in hearing. My classroom? I think everyone is tired of that topic. Baby stuff? A very slim audience is interested in this conversation. Other thoughts? Well, I'm living through one of the biggest growth periods of my life. And while growth is many things, it is most definitely painful. Again, not what others might want to hear about.

But growth also yields an amazingly new bright and shiny skin. And nothing feels as wonderful as that new skin. It truly makes the struggle of shedding the old skin feel very worth while. I feel like I've nearly wriggled out of that old skin, enough so that I can already see some of the bright spots. Some very cool things I can share are that I have come to appreciate certain things in my life that I used to take for granted. Big things like how fortunate I am, and small things like manicures. I'm carrying around a new little life, a little joey, that is a beautiful combination of my husband and me. It's amazing to know I have a little piece of Kris with me everywhere I go. I can not wait to meet our baby. It has started moving around and kicking in the last few weeks, which is the weirdest and most natural thing all at once. We are going for my 20 week ultrasound tomorrow and will find out if we're having a boy or a girl. I haven't been so excited for something in years.

I have learned so many things in these last few months. My skills as a teacher have multiplied. I have been working in one of the most amazing schools. Though it's WAY effing harder than I wanted it to be, I am still truly proud to be part of my staff. I now know about the sensory development of my baby and all the things I need to eat in order to make that most successful. I've got the stretchmark-prevention oil, prenatal yoga classes, and I'm even getting the hang of making maternity clothes actually look good. My priorities have become very, very clear and this year has given me new perspective.

So, what exactly is my problem then? Why am I not beaming with happiness every single day? Well, because I'm still struggling with accepting my old foe: unexpected change. I wanted different things from this year. My job was not supposed to be so challenging. I was supposed to still have energy and creativity to write. I would have lots of extra time to bask in the beauty of my pregnancy. And those things did not happen. I know I write a lot about accepting things as they are, not as I would like them to be, so you'd think I would take my own advice. Still trying. I guess I just didn't plan on this year being so full of growth. For a planner, nothing is more irritating than unexpected personal growth derailing a year otherwise slotted for a lucrative career change and beginning a family.

So, I'm not going to lie, I've been a little bitter and frustrated about my messed up plan. That can be seen in my last post, that I wrote weeks ago, and posted, but yanked a few hours later when I got some worried reactions. Hide the sharp objects from Christie. But I'm going to go ahead and repost it now. It is honest and raw, things that I think writing should be. And not every post can be dripping with honey and sunshine. One of my friends said, we're not always on the top of the mountain. It's in the valleys that we learn the most.

And learning I am. It's been a major focus to spend my energy on things that make me happy, like walking my beagles on beautiful days, the rewarding moments that hide between the chaotic ones of my classroom, sleeping in, waking up to the love of my life, and reading all about cloth diapers and homemade baby food. There's more sunshine each day and the good news is that the second half of the year has been amazingly different. I feel like a different person. I'm still alive, and have almost wriggled out of that old skin. Closer and closer each day.

New Year's resolution: Get over it

Dear Bloggity,

I miss you. I'm not just saying that. I really do. Where has the time gone????? Where has my brain gone, should be the question. It's crazy. You think you have it all figured out. You're such a balanced, secure person. You have finally gotten all of your shit worked out and in order. No problem. Well, that flew out the window faster than you can say namaste. I forgot a friend's birthday... half of my Xmas presents were late... all I do is talk about and apologize for what a wreck I am all the time, and that this really isn't me. Gag! I find myself annyoing! And that part has been just as hard as the stress of my life itself. The fact that I fell apart, not immediately, but close. And then didn't manage to pull myself back together until Christmas break (and this is fragile ground we're walking on). I guess the fact that I got pregnant right in the middle of the walls crumbling didn't help. Oh bloggity! I haven't even had the chance to tell you I'm pregnant. With child. Expecting. Oh, my.

Of course, I have been wanting to start a family for years now. But I swear to you, a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant (I was probably pregnant at the time), I called my poor saintly hubby from work sobbing, "I think we should hold off a year on our plans to get pregnant. I don't think I can do this!" Of course, he talked me off of the cliff as he usually does. I still cried when I found out I was pregnant because I was scared. I have not been in shambles like this in years. Like I said, I thought all of that BS was behind me. And I really didn't want my pregnancy, the time I'd so looked forward to, to be eclipsed by my current state. Which I can blame on my two classes of five-year-olds, their relentlessly annoying parents, the ridiculous amount of paperwork that follows 44 freaking kids, and the never ending meeting schedule, all of which totally gets in the way of me doing my actual job, which is teaching these poor babies to read and write. Yes, I could blame that, and often do for my constant state of anxiety and panic. But let's face it. I'm not freaking President Obama. I'm not an EMT whose job is literally life and death. I am a kindergarten teacher. An acquaintance recently said to me, it's just kindergarten. And I just laughed. That's true; chill out, Christie!!! I only have myself to blame for my unbalanced crazy self of the last few months. And really, I'm boiling my poor baby in negative energy, and of all the things I beat myself up about, that wins.

So. Bloggity. It's a new year. New opportunity to start fresh. Time to leave all this anxiety-ridden worry behind. It's just kindergarten. Five months left. I can do this. Without being an annoying psycho about it. The only thing we have control of in this life is how we react to the things around us. Clearly I have not practiced that well lately. But it's my New Year's Resolution to do so. Because, I do have control over the level of harmony my baby swims in right now. Once the poor thing is out in this big world, I will not have that luxury. At that point it will be my job to teach my child to find the good, the beauty and inspiration in every day. And in the meantime, I have to do that myself.

It's always all about me. So sorry, Bloggity. How have you been?