And the journey begins.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Save Me From Myself
Having a baby may be the best thing I've ever done. And I haven't even had him yet. We are in waiting mode at the moment. I'm due in 10 days, but I'm willing him to come early. So any moment now...
The waiting game has proved to be everything I expected it not to be. It's oddly relaxing. Potentially it's a hair-pulling wait, but I have let go of the platinum fist-fulls in order to allow my body to open up. Literally. So each day I am waking up with really no plans, no schedule, no expectation. The day is blocked out to have a baby. What am I doing tomorrow? Having a baby. What is my schedule for next week? Having a baby. What are my plans for this summer? Um, yes- I'm having a baby. I've never had such a stress-free schedule in my life. Now, it seems that this could be one of the most anticipation-filled, stress-riddled summers ever. But, I'm telling you, it's not. I have finally achieved the balance and genuine day-to-day living that I've been searching for in my years of practicing meditation, yoga and all-other-things-zen-enhancing. Who knew reproducing would have landed me here?! I should have done this years ago!
And here's my biggest secret: I kind of expected it to come to this.
Since I was in my teens, the idea of being a parent truly scared the shit out of me. It's the one thing I've ever doubted I could do well. It always surprised me how sure most people were- they couldn't wait!- they would one day be parents. It seemed as though they were hardwired to reproduce. I remember a conversation in 7th grade with one of my oldest and greatest friends, Michael Bunchman. For whatever reason 12 year olds would be talking about being parents, I found myself in this conversation, and I was honest when I told him I never wanted to have kids. "Never?!" he said shocked. And then his tone changed to someone much older than his 12 years when he said, "No, you will one day. You'll change your mind."
I think that conversation has stuck with me for so many years because a) at the time I was highly annoyed at his response, and b) it was an eerie piece of foreshadowing stuck into my walking-to-the-bus-after-school-average-day. And ten years later, I found myself overdoing and overscheduling to try to fill some void that I wasn't even aware existed. Ignorantly, I plowed forward in seven different directions apparently trying everything that could possibly inspire me in some way, all while still ignoring the path labeled "Parenthood," because I'd decided many years ago that path was closed to me. I learned the great art of Vipassana meditation, got my masters, completed triathlons and half marathons, learned Spanish and knitting and how to snowboard...and was still searching. What should I do next?
And having said all of that, though it took me still eight more years, I woke up one day and decided I really wanted to have a family. (Ugh! How cliche! What happened to me?!) Nothing- no project, no career move, no degree- sounded as exciting as starting a family with Kris. And all along, there has been a little piece of that eerie foreshadowing whispering in my ear that this is what I was meant to do. This would be my greatest accomplishment, the job that gave me the most pride. You were right, Michael.
Ugh! How cliche! Seriously, what happened to me?!
The waiting game has proved to be everything I expected it not to be. It's oddly relaxing. Potentially it's a hair-pulling wait, but I have let go of the platinum fist-fulls in order to allow my body to open up. Literally. So each day I am waking up with really no plans, no schedule, no expectation. The day is blocked out to have a baby. What am I doing tomorrow? Having a baby. What is my schedule for next week? Having a baby. What are my plans for this summer? Um, yes- I'm having a baby. I've never had such a stress-free schedule in my life. Now, it seems that this could be one of the most anticipation-filled, stress-riddled summers ever. But, I'm telling you, it's not. I have finally achieved the balance and genuine day-to-day living that I've been searching for in my years of practicing meditation, yoga and all-other-things-zen-enhancing. Who knew reproducing would have landed me here?! I should have done this years ago!
And here's my biggest secret: I kind of expected it to come to this.
Since I was in my teens, the idea of being a parent truly scared the shit out of me. It's the one thing I've ever doubted I could do well. It always surprised me how sure most people were- they couldn't wait!- they would one day be parents. It seemed as though they were hardwired to reproduce. I remember a conversation in 7th grade with one of my oldest and greatest friends, Michael Bunchman. For whatever reason 12 year olds would be talking about being parents, I found myself in this conversation, and I was honest when I told him I never wanted to have kids. "Never?!" he said shocked. And then his tone changed to someone much older than his 12 years when he said, "No, you will one day. You'll change your mind."
I think that conversation has stuck with me for so many years because a) at the time I was highly annoyed at his response, and b) it was an eerie piece of foreshadowing stuck into my walking-to-the-bus-after-school-average-day. And ten years later, I found myself overdoing and overscheduling to try to fill some void that I wasn't even aware existed. Ignorantly, I plowed forward in seven different directions apparently trying everything that could possibly inspire me in some way, all while still ignoring the path labeled "Parenthood," because I'd decided many years ago that path was closed to me. I learned the great art of Vipassana meditation, got my masters, completed triathlons and half marathons, learned Spanish and knitting and how to snowboard...and was still searching. What should I do next?
And having said all of that, though it took me still eight more years, I woke up one day and decided I really wanted to have a family. (Ugh! How cliche! What happened to me?!) Nothing- no project, no career move, no degree- sounded as exciting as starting a family with Kris. And all along, there has been a little piece of that eerie foreshadowing whispering in my ear that this is what I was meant to do. This would be my greatest accomplishment, the job that gave me the most pride. You were right, Michael.
Ugh! How cliche! Seriously, what happened to me?!
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